The one-step-at-a-time feels a little less overwhelming and more of a realistic goal for me to do. Instead of trying to change a whole bunch of bad habits ingrained in me at once, I will develop one good habit at a time. Try to program myself to do something that is good for me. I will ensure that all my needs are met: Mental/Physical/Emotional/Spiritual.
I think the best way to push out all those bad habits is to commit to doing a good habit. Perhaps this will convince my lazy side that it feels way better than what I have been doing these past few years.
What have I been doing these past few years? Surviving. When you are trying to survive, it is because you are trying to live within the difficult circumstances you found yourself in. So everything you have done so far was to make it through life. Also, when in survival mode, if you have others depending on you, you tend to put yourself last to ensure that they are being cared for. Another part of this survival is the fact that you develop habits that may help in this mode, for example, tuning out the things that hurt you by overworking, overplaying, overeating, over drinking, etc. These are great ways to numb you from the difficult circumstances you are living with. Sometimes the things you do to survive help you live another day.
What if, however, those difficult circumstances are no longer there? What if you found a way out of those circumstances? You are now healing the wounds that you sustained during survival. The wounds may be gone, but the scars remain. The survival habit may have also remained. What was good for you then does not necessarily mean they are good for you now.
One of my survival "instincts" was to disconnect. Not to deal with the world. So I'd distract myself with the mind numbing thing we call television. Video games are included in this too. Some do alcohol and drugs, but I grew up with dealing with drunks, so fuck that. In a nutshell, watching television (Netflix, HGTV and food Channels are my vices) helped me escape.
My life is realigning and no longer something I have to survive. Disconnecting is now hindering me and my self care plan. It eats up all of the time I could devote to prayer & meditating, writing & creating, eating well & exercising, journaling & "feeling".
I woke up this morning at 8:30 a.m. fully intending to mediate and then write, but alas I procrastinated by going on my damn phone and looking at my social media. It ate up about an hour of my morning. I am not going to berate myself for this, but instead remember it for next time.
So my first goal is a spiritual connection: I will pray and meditate before even touching my phone.
I need to reconnect with my soul and my soul's purpose.
We'll see for the rest. At least I am trying to commit to my writing with this post...